Monday, 25 November 2013
That Three Doctors Sitcom In Full
I was woken up at 4 o'clock this morning by a large black limousine, continually driving slowly and noisily past my bedside window. Now that is very odd I thought - living as I do on the 9th Floor...
I opened the window and found it was one of the new BBC Cardiff hover cars - the latest extravagant misuse of licence payers' money - and I'm sure not the last.
Sitting in the back, glaring malevolently, was a certain Mr Gatiss...
"So, we play the game again, Mr D" he hissed.
"Sod off. I've had 8 cans of blackcurrant cider and have to blog about The Day of the Doctor later today!"
"So you've seen my anniversary special then? I hope you liked it. Moffat has still got the old writers block. I've had him committed. I've got an android Moffat prepared to do interviews and show up at the Convention. Jenna Coleman is working it from the back when it starts to go wrong. I got the idea from The Androids of Tara."
"Why the heck are you here?"
"To tell you all about my new BBC3 sitcom, of course. Making "An Adventure In Space And Time" gave me the most wonderful idea. Imagine what would have happened if the Time Lords couldn't get the Three Doctors back to their proper time-streams?"
He paused. "Why is my anniversary special only in inverted commas, whereas the other thing gets bold?"
"It's an idiosyncrasy of this blog. Get on with what you've got to say".
"Well, the Three Doctors are played by my best mate David Bradley, and my other best mate Reece Shearsmith and, of course, my very best mate of all - Me! I do have to be in everything these days, you know. We get stranded in a two-up, two-down in Surbiton in the 1970's, and lots of comical happenings ensue. Bradley plays the grumpy old one, who never leaves the house. He's always stopping Reece and me getting girlfriends and having fun. Reece and I always bicker and get up to scrapes as we try to compete with each other. There's a lovely scene in episode three where I've spent ages redecorating the spare room - and he doesn't like it.
"A lot of the comedy derives from the arguments we have with the next door neighbour - Omega. He's also stuck in 1970's suburbia, and realises he was better off in the Universe of Anti-Matter, so he's always complaining about us. Especially when Reece and I try to get off with his buxom daughter..."
"Omega has a buxom daughter? So it is canonical then?"
"Of course! We've also got the Rani in it. She runs the local pub and Bradley ends up having the hots for her - though it's never reciprocated. (He sneaks down there without us knowing about it). She's also quite buxom. I understand young people quite like that sort of thing..."
"You'll be telling me the Meddling Monk is in it as well."
"He's at No. 37 - on the other side! Joins Reece and me on our scrapes. My best mate Rory Kinear has agreed to do it."
"Anything else you need to tell me about this, before I get my antique fowling piece and blast your anti-grav engines?"
"Only that Nick Parsons has agreed to play the vicar in a couple of episodes. In the pilot episode, he walks in just as Reece and I accidentally lose our trousers -and just as a couple of ladies from the Women's Institute come round for some jumble (Wendy Padbury and Debbie Watling have agreed to cameo. They lose their knickers when a window cleaner mistakes them for drashigs - sorry, dish rags. He's played by Frazer Hines, by the way. Didn't want to do it, until I mentioned Wendy and Deb's knickers. Then he was totally up for it, for some reason...).
"And, of course, Nick Briggs plays the voice of the Daleks -"
I took one look at the antique fowling piece. Made in Birmingham. That was good enough for me.
But, by the time I took aim, the hover car had flown off into the night - its occupant laughing maniacally and muttering about season 2 of his new series, in which the Three Doctors go on a package holiday to Spain....