Monday, 3 June 2013
Mark Gatiss to be named Emperor of Doctor Who - "allegedly"
Shock news from a Doctor Who "insider" - "allegedly". Mark Gatiss has been "secretly" invited to become the 12th incarnation of the Doctor and to be new show-runner and lead writer. He will also write the theme tune.
"Allegedly" Steven Moffat had agreed to stay on for another twelve series - in order to tie up the Silence story arc - but arrived at work on Friday to find his belongings in a cardboard box - and Gatiss sitting at his desk looking "arch". Moffat was then escorted from Roath Lock by the armed security men whom Gatiss has employed to hunt down and assassinate staff who leak spoilers.
The move is seen as a cost-cutting exercise in this time of austerity - and an attempt to head off the Daily Right Wing Rant's fortnightly accusation that the BBC is riddled with left-leaning homosexuals who squander licence payers' money.
A BBC spokesman said - "allegedly" - "Mark will be taking over everything. His name will be changed to Augustus. He will be acting, writing and exec-producing every episode of series 8 through 20. He's also doing the costumes. We are pleased to have a left-leaning homosexual who will squander licence payers' money in charge of this flagship show. We still haven't told him that he will only get paid once, however, so please don't publish anything until he's signed the contract...".
A grief-stricken Moffat is said to have thrown his energies into rewrites on the third series of "Sherlock" - having the character of Mycroft Holmes killed in every episode, as well as developing a new sitcom to be called "I Hate Mark Gatiss".