Know Your Daleks - Miscellany...

"TARDISes are blue. This is red. Get it wrong again, Dalek Dave, and you will be dead!!!"

Hope you enjoyed my recent series of posts looking at the evolution of the Daleks over the years. There were a few things that I couldn't quite fit in, so here is the miscellany - or the apocrypha...

"It's Lord Kitchener I tell you, Barbara!" "No it can't be, it's a naked Dutchman..."

1. Dalek Art
In the first Dalek story we see that their city has some works of art on view. The statue which the Doctor and his philistine companions shove down the lift shaft is either what the Daleks think a general on horseback is, or a nude gentleman / lady - or it is perhaps a remnant of the previous Kaled culture and nothing to do with Daleks.
Discuss.

Dalek poetry includes the epic "Daleks Conquer And Destroy" - comprises only this line repeated, but one recital lasted for 43 days - and the lyrical "Exterminate, Exterminate, Exterminate". The most moving piece I have ever heard was "Where have all the puppies and kittens gone? Incinerated by the might of Dalek fire-power, of course!!!"
I cry every time I hear it...

Daleks are not without a sense of humour. A recent poll conducted on Skaro found that 100% of the population voted the following their favourite joke:
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: In a feeble attempt to escape being exterminated by the Daleks!!!

Least favourite joke on Skaro?
Q: Knock, knock.
A: Who's there?
Q: Doctor....

"Don't you see, Codal. It's from Habitat. This is more serious than I thought!"

2. Dalek Furniture.
At the height of the Dalek empire, they tended to shop at Habitat. Probably didn't pay, just invaded the shop, exterminated all the staff and took what they fancied. I suspect that the New Paradigm probably favour Ikea, whilst the RTD era ones prefer Argos or Homebase...
In Planet of the Daleks we see a nice Habitat coat stand, on which you can hang prisoner's guns etc. Later in the story a barricade is made that appears to include a table. Quite what the Daleks need with tables I do not know...
Discuss.

The Seventh Doctor tries to cut in...

3. Dalek Discos.
Off duty, Daleks like nothing better than having a knees-up. Even though they do not actually have knees... Whilst dancing tends to be a pretext to people getting to know each other in more intimate ways here on Earth, on Skaro the Daleks are happy just to dance round their handbags.

"You will show us the Kylie Minogue one next!!!"

4. Dalek Television.
It is a well known fact that the Daleks have all 7 episodes of Evil of the Daleks. And the whole of The Daleks' Master Plan (including The Feast of Steven). They downloaded these adventures directly from the Doctor's mind. Naturally, their favourite story is Victory of the Daleks. Someone's got to like it...

"Left. Left. Left. Too far! Right. Right. Too far...! "

Reception on Skaro can be poor. Special TV Antenna Daleks have been developed in order to get Sky Sports. Most popular programmes tend to be soap operas and home shopping channels. And Duck Dynasty...

"Fifty quid he'll laugh his arse off when he defrosts..."

5. Dalek Hats.
One of the first things that the Cult of Skaro devised after being created by the Emperor was that all Dalek slave soldiers should wear distinctive Dalek-shaped hats. Dalek Caan insisted that these should be sent back through all of Dalek history and not just be confined to the Time War. When his next idea was that Daleks should all travel backwards to fool their enemies into thinking they were retreating, the Emperor realised he had a right bunch of numpties here, and so tricked them into entering this nice roomy Void Ship...

The Daleks' attempt to raise money for dyslexia research was unsuccessful. Maybe it was the sign "Daily Sex. Please Give Generously" that was the problem... 

6. Dalek Philanthropy.
Doesn't happen. Move on...

"You would make a good Dalek..."

7. Dalek Justice.
Basically, you get exterminated. Even if you have done nothing wrong. Doing nothing wrong is a capital offence on Skaro - on a par with being nice. In the image above, the Daleks make a citizen's arrest when they encounter someone flashing at some nuns outside the local Lyons Tea House.

8. Dalek Childhood.
A scene from a typical Dalek household. (Just love this picture I came across on Google Images. Had to use it).

"No! You cannot have an iced lolly. I shall be obeyed! Daleks must always be obeyed!!! You will have a nutritious piece of fruit and like it!!! And do not touch my gun.! I see you reaching for my gun!!! Desist! Desist. Desist!!!!!! "

Daleks also make good child care workers. Only about 40% of children in their care have ever been exterminated - which is marginally better than some Ofsted approved nurseries...

9. Dalek Sec(s)...
After their defeat on Exxilon, a Dalek top shelf magazine was found. The following images are the only ones I can safely publish. Parental guidance essential...

Disgusting, I'm sure you'll agree... I've spared you the one featuring Mrs Mabel Oldthwaite of Accrington, her Airedale Terrier, and the bowl of rice pudding...

10. UKIP.

In 2019 this man will accidentally create a time storm in his bedroom whist stabbing pins into a doll of President Milliband. He will find himself on Skaro. After an accident with a nuclear missile that consigns him to a wheelchair, he'll develop an idea about creating a new half machine - half mutant life-form... 

Ever wondered what happened to the duplicates from Resurrection of the Daleks? The ones that were supposed to infiltrate and subvert British society? The ones that the Doctor assured his companions were unstable? I think we now know the answer. Xenophobic. A dislike for the unlike... I rest my case.

11. Dalek Dreams...
Daleks are far from unimaginative. Whilst taking a break from trying to conquer the Universe, they do dream of another life...

Instead of the monstrous alien alliance members that the Supreme was expecting, he imagined who he would really like to come to his birthday party that weekend.

On Friday, the Oncoming Storm had invited them over for lunch, and then they would watch the Wimbledon coverage and maybe go for dinner at that little place out near Teddington by the Thames. The Daleks liked the Thames. One of them had glided up out of it once. That had been fun. Andy Murray was playing at Wimbledon. The Daleks liked him as well. He was one of their duplicates after all... In contemplative mood, the Supreme Dalek decided not to exterminate the photographer from Titbits magazine after all. Perhaps future generations would like to know what his colour scheme might be. Perhaps a company that was one day going to create a figurine of him. He could but dream...