A Shepherd's Bush pensioner, who refused to be identified but is believed to be a doctor, was crossing the B29 at Wood Green yesterday evening when he was savagely knocked to the ground - on a Pelican Crossing - by two speeding vehicles. A speed camera caught the moment just after the impact. Both suspect vehicles are described as squat pepperpot domed thingies, each containing a bubbling lump of hate. One was painted gold, the other grey. After the accident, the gold one was reported as shouting out "That-is-for-Kem-bel-Time-Lord-swine!" before they both vanished down Verity Lambert Street - giggling maniacally about universal domination.
The victim - who is believed to be aged 469 and has been known to squat in an old Police Call Box in the area since 1963, according to locals - recovered quickly and was last seen running down Sydney Newman Road shouting "Don't worry! I'll kick their metal backsides when I get to Spiridon!".
Anyone who witnessed this incident is asked to come forward - but is already too late to make it onto the extras for the DVD release...
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